


Reconnection

by andveryginger, Keldae



Series: Deja New [14]
Category: Star Wars Legends: The Old Republic (Video Game)
Genre: Angst, Denial of Feelings, Double Agents, Enemies to Lovers, F/M, Interfering Force Ghosts, RPverse, Secret Relationship, Spies & Secret Agents, The Force has Plans™, non-canon backstory
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-03-07
Updated: 2019-03-07
Packaged: 2019-11-13 05:28:58
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 4,769
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18025595
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/andveryginger/pseuds/andveryginger, https://archiveofourown.org/users/Keldae/pseuds/Keldae
Summary: They were both alone. And, if their bond was any example, neither was coping well with the change.





	1. Realization

**Author's Note:**

> Joint effort here, with Kel hopping in to provide a bit of prodding to both our Force ghost and Reanden in a few places.

_Kaas City_  
_Dromund Kaas_  
_3638 BBY | 15 ATC_

 

Reanden Taerich laid in bed, staring at the ceiling, the sky beginning to brighten. He rolled onto his side, turning his back to the windows. The dawning morning light would reveal the heavy shadows beneath his eyes and so it was to be avoided as long as possible. He’d then do his damnedest, as he showered and shaved, to ignore the shadows lurking behind those eyes, but was all to aware of their presence. Sleep, after all, came only in fits and starts. As a result, he hadn’t slept well in almost a month. He knew the reason why: He missed her. Still, he had made the right decision, he told himself.  _ It'll pass _ , he thought.  _ She'll really be better off. _ It had been a litany some nights, and the previous night was no exception.    
  
Her frustration, her anger, her disappointment -- they had been constant companions in the intervening weeks. Being all but Force-blind, mental shields in place, he shouldn't have been able to sense it at all -- to feel her lingering in her own bed, across town; to sense the loneliness that echoed his own. The tiny tendril of ancient energy linking them, however, refused to be ignored. It continued to push the issue, offering flickering glimpses of her throughout his day. Would he ever be able to sever the connection without hurting her?   


But he'd already hurt her. He knew that. Still, seeing her in the kolto tank, his mind spun a million permutations and combinations of "what if":  _ What if Vi'garion or Xalia had broken free while she covered his escape with Xaja? What if she had turned at the last moment, as the blaster fired? What if she had died before they could get to the medical station? What if --  _ His chest tightened.  _ What if he'd been forced to watch her die there, on the deck of the shuttle? _ __   
  
Throwing back the covers, he swung his legs over the side and gasped for breath. He opened himself just enough to sense her -- the light at her center, the warmth in her heart that she concealed so carefully.  _ She's fine. She's living and breathing and... just fine without you. _   
  
_ But I'm  _ not  __ \-- I miss you, love.   
  
He slammed up his defenses so hard, his head ached and he dug the heels of his hands at his eyes. Was it really her? His mind’s twisted version of her? Or was it the Force itself, continuing to delight in toying with him and his heart. Regardless of the source, regardless of how warm and forlorn her voice was in his mind, he knew he couldn’t give in: The thought of her death stole his breath, weighed him with grief. But he could go on, put one foot in front of the other, he thought, so long as he knew she was alive.

And yet... grief still clawed at him. Not grief over her loss, but the loss of her -- the place she had taken in his life over the past two years: His friend. His confidante. His partner. His lover.    
  
The word hit him hard.  _ Love. _ He'd fallen in love with her. Despite his best intentions, despite all protests, he had fallen for the beautiful, red-headed Corellian Jedi hiding with him in the shadows. He'd known it for a while, refused to call it what it was... as though that might keep it from being true.

It wasn't supposed to happen, after all. There shouldn't have been another person out there to understand him, to put up with his bantha shit. But she had -- had even held him in the darkest moments, thinking his children lost. Had delicately planned and executed a rescue mission for his daughter. Put  _ her  _ life on the line for his kids.    
  
"Kriffing idiot," he murmured to himself. His head dropped to his hands. Love or not, better or not, it had to be done. He had to leave her to save her.

 


	2. Reassurance

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “He thinks he’s doing the right thing," she said with a sigh, "and that just makes it even worse.”

_Kaas City_  
_Dromund Kaas_  
_3638 BBY | 15 ATC_

 

Right arm draped over her stomach, Mairen Bel Iblis closed her eyes and allowed herself to reach across the bed, even as she experimentally reached into the Force. She could almost feel his warmth between the sheets, the swirling, grey tendril of energy that was Reanden Taerich embracing hers in the aether. Shadows played along it, following the ebb and flow of his mood. She could feel the familiar ache, the same loneliness that punctuated the waking moments she allowed herself to stop and consider his absence in her life.

Force, she missed him.

Coming from a close-knit family, in an open society, she was accustomed to touch -- and not just the caress of a lover. She missed a clap on the shoulder, accompanying a joke; or the warm, gentle pressure of a soothing hand on the forearm. No one touched anyone here, not with warmth and compassion. Touches here were strategic, political, and coldly calculating. They were rarely affectionate in the true sense of the word, especially among the upper echelon where she now functioned. It was one of the hardest adjustments she’d made during her tenure as a deep-cover operative.

Her relationship with Reanden changed all of that: A teasing sweep of her fingers at the nape of his neck. The gentle tucking of her hair behind her ear. Both curled together on the sofa, each with a good book. There was friendship and affection and -- more importantly -- _trust._ They could be themselves around each other, a reality that made such a high-stress situation bearable.

But now they were both alone. And, if their bond were any example, neither was coping well with the change.

A soft blue glow lit the room, right above Mairen’s bed. Slowly, it took the form of a younger woman in civilian garments wrapped around her like Jedi-styled tunics, her feet bare, her long hair pulled back behind her shoulders. She settled down cross-legged on the bed at Mairen’s feet and shook her head. “He’s been that same stubborn idiot for as long as I’ve known him,” she sighed. “He thinks he’s doing the right thing, and that just makes it even worse.”

Mairen pushed herself up onto her elbows, brow arching at the Force ghost camped at the foot of her bed, Airna Taerich. “Brilliant,” she said with a grimace. “Because we both know he loves playing the martyr… even when it’s not necessary.” She heaved herself back down into the pillow with a sigh and shook her head. “And yet I still miss his obstinate ass.”

Airna shook her head again, a rueful smile tugging at her lips. “He does have that effect… both the wanting him around, and the desire to strangle some sense into him.”

“Hm. Yes, I’m familiar with the concept.” A wry grin twitched across full lips. It seemed as accurate a summary of their past two years as any she could have offered. She readjusted the blanket, folding them down to her waist. “I thought, perhaps, if I gave him time enough he might sort through it all on his own -- see how ridiculous his decision really is. Instead, I’ve begun to doubt _my_ judgement, whether or not it was all just… a cover.” She looked to Airna. “Could he really walk away from me so easily if it were anything more? If he feels the same way?”

“It’s not easy for him to do.” Airna drew her knees up to her chest, frowning. “He… He’s stubborn, as you know quite well at this point. Once he latches onto an idea, no matter how objectively stupid it is, he’ll cling to that idea if he thinks it will benefit someone he loves. Even if it kills him.” She sighed, her frown deepening. “And no matter how much it hurts him, he’ll stick to that idea without getting sense slapped into him.”

Mairen frowned, eyes fixed on the ceiling. “So I should talk to him.”

“Yes.” Airna nodded, her ghostly hair shifting with the movement. “I still love him, but that idiot needs to be led or shoved out of that stupid idea he’s attached himself to… whichever works.” She paused. “Usually shoving…”

“The last time there was _shoving_ involved…” Warmth crept up the back of her neck, pink blossoming across her cheeks in the dim morning light. She coughed, adjusting the covers once again, avoiding a direct glance toward Airna for a long moment. Once her cheeks had stopped burning, she finally looked back to the blue form. She paused, unsure if she should continue, but compelled to lift the weight on her heart. “I love him -- and have for a long while now.” Her fingers picked at the quilted stitching now covering her waist. “I don’t want to give up on him… but I will never be you, and I’m not sure he’s ready for _me_.”

Airna’s eyes rolled upward to the ceiling in what could be nothing less than pure, frustrated exasperation. “I swear to the Force, you two are perfect for each other,” she muttered before looking back at Mairen. “No, you never will be me. You’re _you_ , Mairen -- you’re alive, and breathing, and giving him his life back. You know you were the first person to make him truly smile after I was killed? And the one who kept him sane when he thought our oldest children had been lost?” She shifted back into a cross-legged position and fixed Mairen with an annoyed, flat look that eerily resembled her eldest daughter when pissed off. “He kriffing needs you and he knows it, even if he won’t admit it to anyone, including himself. You need _each other_ , especially in this hell-hole.” The ghost lifted her head to scowl at the window opening to Dromund Kaas’s never-ending storms. “He’s scared, and he figures the best way to deal with it is to cut himself off from whatever’s giving him cause to be scared. Even if it kills him.” She sighed and looked back at Mairen. “We love our idiot, but blast it, he’s a complete dumbass when he gets like this.”

At this, Mairen pursed her lips. Her course of action was clear: There could be no more waiting, hoping he would come to his senses. She would have to go and confront him -- preferably at his own apartment, since privacy was a requirement. Her gaze drifted toward the bedside clock. He would be stirring now, probably heading for his first cup of caf to jump start the day. It was likely best if she caught him before he left for the Citadel.

Tossing back the covers, she swung her feet to the floor and reached for the green silk robe draped across the foot of the bed. “ _Our_ idiot, hm?” She slipped her arms into her sleeves, shaking her head. “There is something very surreal about having this conversation with you.”

Airna gracefully stood back up as Mairen retrieved her robe, stepping off the bed to the floor, if _stepping_ was the right word. The scowl eased into a lopsided smile as she meandered to lean against the wall. “What, there was nothing in your information packet about this posting or your Jedi training about having a conversation about your idiot other half with said idiot’s ghostly first wife?” She grinned, that expression bearing a striking resemblance to her younger son. “He was my idiot for fifteen years. I almost had him properly trained… But now he’s your problem.”

“A problem I gladly accept… provided he can get his head out of his ass.” She tied the sash of her robe with a flourish and paused, hands coming to rest on her hips. _Other half_ \-- the words caught in her mind, heart fluttering with the implications. “I… had a vision once. He and I, and a pair of wedding bands.” She felt heat rush to her cheeks once again. “I don’t suppose you know anything about that?”

“Don’t look at me -- I know next to nothing about visions, and I’m part of the bloody Force at this point.” Airna raised her hands in surrender as she straightened against the wall. She smiled again, and if it was tinged with a little bit of bittersweet memories, who could blame her? “You are the only person he would even consider that with, now that I’m no longer around. For the record, as his first wife, I would be delighted if that happened for you two. You deserve the happiness.”

Her expression softened as she looked to Airna. “Thank you,” she replied quietly. “It means… quite a lot, actually. And will make this… _conversation_ that much easier.”

“Glad to do my part.” Airna leaned back against the wall, her gaze softening. “I know my death hurt him, but it’s long past time for him to move on from me. He can’t cling to my memory forever. It’ll drive him insane… more than he already is,” she added with a mutter and a tiny smirk. “And I’m not saying that you need my permission to slap him upside the head if that’s what it takes to make him listen to sense, but…” She winked.

“I don’t want to force him… but I will make him see how ridiculous this is.” Mairen drew a deep breath and exhaled heavily. She turned, looking to the apparition once more… only to find she had already dissipated into the growing dawn. “I hope.”

 


	3. Reconnection

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “I can’t… undo this connection," she confessed. "But one thing this month has taught me is just how much I missed you.”

_Kaas City_  
_Dromund Kaas_  
_3638 BBY | 15 ATC_

 

Reanden knew it was her before he even keyed the door. “Lord Bel Iblis,” he said, formally. His gaze darted toward movement across the corridor, where a neighbor slowly keyed their own entry. He could almost sense their curiosity and decided to do what he could to frustrate them… and possibly Mairen. “This is a surprise.”

“I’m quite sure it is,” she replied. There was an arch note to her voice, and her lips were drawn taut. She knew he sensed her approach, sensed her at his door. Her back straightened as she cast a sidelong glance toward the neighbor. “I believe we have a few things to discuss...  _ Agent Taerich _ .”

With one glance to the neighbor, who finally opened their own door, Reanden sighed, nodding. He stepped aside and gestured silently toward the living room. Mairen brushed against him as she passed, and he grimaced: Her warmth and scent washed over him as loose strands of red hair stirred around her cheekbones. Altogether too familiar with the sensation -- the warmth of her skin against his; the smell that was essentially  _ her _ as he nuzzled her neck; the way his fingers twisted in soft, wavy strands -- memories tugged at him. But he had to remain resolute.

The door slid closed behind him and he turned. Mairen stood in the center of the room, attention fixed on him. Small creases curled around the corners of her mouth as they tipped downward and frustration rolled freely along their connection, mingling with a staggering sense of heartache. She watched him with steady green-hazel eyes, a troubled shadow in their depths. Her voice was quiet -- controlled -- when she spoke. “I didn’t expect you to run.”

Shame lanced through him and he swallowed. “I didn’t know what to say… or how to say it. Not after --”

“After  _ we _ spent months planning -- and executing -- a detailed rescue plan?” Mairen interjected. “After two years together, as friends and partners?” Anger flared in her eyes. “Or was that all a cover, too?”

He narrowed his eyes at her and allowed his own rebuke to echo over the bond. “You know better than that, Mairen.”

“Do I?”  _ Vulnerability. Doubt. Embarrassment. Pain _ . She swallowed visibly. “You’re one of the best agents I’ve ever met. If anyone is capable of pulling the wool over my eyes, it would certainly be you.”

“That’s not…” He gestured between them. “That’s not what this is. Not what it’s ever been.”

Mairen took a deep breath, eyes glassy. She licked her lips as she considered her words, and the same emotions pummelled him, doubt rushing to the surface. “It’s certainly what it  _ feels _ like right now.”

The deep pang he recognized as heartache intensified and remorse swam to the surface. “Mai, this connection between us… I never --” He paused, sighing before rubbing a hand over his mouth and stubbled jaw. Memories swarmed to the surface, drawing with them the all-too-familiar anguish and emptiness. “Airna and I, we shared the same kind of link.” His eyes stung and he swallowed back the knot that rose in his throat. “I never thought I’d share that with anyone again.

“A few years pass, and you come along, all strong and opinionated and calling me on my bantha shit…” A chuckle escaped him, despite himself. “Then you got shot and I had to stand there, watching you in that kolto tank. I didn’t really know what I was doing, but I guess I reached out for you… and you reached back.”   


“I…” Mairen shook her head. “The only bond I’ve ever had was with my family -- my mother, my father; Adrie and Cian. I never…” She sighed, waving her hand as she struggled to articulate her thoughts. Guilt swept through her and silence held between them for a beat. He felt a wave of nausea sweep through him, and knew it hadn’t originated with himself. She shifted, adjusting her shoulders.  “Do you… regret… what we…”

“No... yes… kriff, I don’t…” Reanden sighed heavily, feeling older than his actual age. “I care about you, Mai, more than I ever expected to; I could never  _ regret  _ this. But… I didn’t expect to feel anyone again where… where Airna was.” The scarring on his mind from his bond with Airna snapping healed slowly… and he still didn’t know if feeling Mairen in her place was any better. Stars, she was soothing and calming to him, but… that had been Airna’s space in his mind. It felt like a betrayal of his late wife to accept a bond with someone else -- even if he  _ had  _ been the one to initiate the damned thing to start with. 

She nodded mutely, and he noted the pale color of her cheeks. He could sense her drawing back farther than she had been, the clarity of her emotions diminishing as she did so. “I’m sorry, Reanden,” she said, her voice quiet. “It was never my intent to…” She shook her head and allowed the sentence to hang. “I know how much you loved her -- how much you still love her. How much she had to love  _ you _ .”

He swallowed hard, trying to ignore the burning in the back of his eyes. “When she died, it nearly killed me. If something happened to you, Mai…” His voice broke, and his next words were a whisper. “I couldn’t take that, not again.”

Mairen swiped at the tears that rolled down her cheeks. There was a long silence as she sighed heavily, watching him as a tangle of emotions roiled through her. Muted as it was, he worried at the intensity. "Do you know how much I worried about you, out on an op? Waited for you to come home? To get dragged out of kolto?" Pausing, she bit her lip and shook her head. "Why do you think I was so mad that first time?"

"The first..." Reanden blinked as realization settled over him. "Mai...?"

She nodded with a rueful smile. "I knew from the time I walked out of that holocall booth that the Force had plans for you in my life. By the time we fell into bed, I realized what that plan was, and by the time we slipped away for Life Day, I knew I loved you - - despite myself, and despite  _ knowing  _ you might break my heart.”

_ Kriffing hells, that long?  _ Reanden ran his hand over his face again as he tried to maintain his composure. “All that time…” He shook his head and looked back up toward Mairen -- this time, the nausea he felt was his own. “Mai, I’ve never wanted to break your heart, not intentionally. But if I can keep you alive and safe by staying away from you…” He swallowed. “I’ve lost every _ thing _ and every _ one _ I’ve ever loved. I… I can’t lose you too. It would destroy me, Mai.”

The barrier she had placed between them cracked slightly, allowing him to sense hints of frustration, mingling with affection and cynical amusement. “Reanden, I’m a deep cover operative who has been operating behind enemy lines for years. Do you really believe that my life expectancy is higher without you around? That you wouldn’t”  -- she paused, swallowing as fear and pain spiked through their connection -- “that  _ we _ wouldn’t still grieve and mourn and  _ ache  _  from different corners of the galaxy if we lost each other?”

He closed his eyes as he tried to process her words and emotions, each making him hurt. His own mental shields slipped, revealing pain and a crippling fear of losing her, mingled with a stubborn, insistent  _ want _ for her -- her companionship, her trust, her reassurance. “The people around me die or suffer,” he whispered. “Airna was an agent, too, stubborn and clever and resourceful as any other operative I’ve met; as strong as any other Jedi. She died because of me, and I wasn’t there.” He opened his eyes again, hesitantly making a move to reach for her hands, then stalling out, so unsure of himself. “Mai, I… I don’t want that to happen to you.”

“ _ I  _ don’t want it to happen to me, and I sure-as-Hells don’t want it to happen to you!” She glanced up, exhaling briefly through pursed lips as she visibly struggled to compose herself. “One of the first things they teach us, love, is that we can’t plan for every contingency. If we spend our lives living in fear of ‘what if,’ then what do we accomplish? Certainly not our jobs. And I doubt very much that it could be called ‘living.’” She reached out, hand closing gently around his forearm. “I want to live, Reanden. As loudly and brightly as I can  _ while  _ I can… and I don’t want to do it without you.

“Damn it, we’re  _ good _ together -- in the field or, Force help us, in the bedroom,” she continued. “If it hadn’t been for  _ our  _ work, and  _ our  _ efforts, what might have happened to Xaja?  _ We  _ planned that mission;  _ we  _ succeeded; we all survived… a little rough around the edges, yes, but alive and kicking. Viciously.” A rueful smile pulled on the corner of her mouth. “We make one hell of a team, love, and anyone who comes for us will find that out.”

He winced at her forceful, blunt words, every one ringing true. Mairen was the best operative he’d ever had under his direction, even without his clear bias in favour of her -- she was the wisdom to his less than bright decisions, the one who found the small details even he missed, the one he could trust to make things happen, the one whose compassion tempered out his own vicious streak. The reminder of the damned op made him feel ill again, remembering what had happened to Mai, how badly Xaja had suffered before he could get to her… but she was right. Everyone had survived and been able to go home, including Xaja, now safely tucked away on Tython. Mai was right again, and he hadn’t had that experience of acknowledging that someone else was always right since…

He sighed and shifted his hand to rest on her own on his arm. “You sound like her, you know,” he quietly said. “Airna was always the one to tell me off, to call me out on me being an idiot, and she didn’t mince words when she did it. And damn, but she was right every single time.”

“So… is that you saying you have a ‘type’?” She regarded him with a wry grin. “Because I seem to remember calling you out on a few things before now…”

That got a tired, rueful huff of something that might have been a laugh. “Yes, you have. And you were right every other time you’ve done that too, even when I didn’t want to admit it. Apparently I do have a ‘type’... although Airna would have probably called me some sort of insulting name by this point. ‘Nerfherder’ was one of her favourites to use when the kids were within earshot.”

“Well you  _ are _ the most stubborn bastard I’ve ever met,” she said with a chuckle. “Given that I’m Corellian, that’s saying something.”

“I’ll take that as a compliment, then,” he responded, a grin tugging at the side of his mouth at the familiar banter. 

He slowly shifted his arm so Mairen’s hand found his own, his fingers closing over hers and squeezing tightly. She closed her eyes and he could feel the relief and remorse as it washed over her. “I’m sorry, Reanden,” she said. Opening her eyes, she looked to him, taking a step closer. “I can’t…  _ undo _ this connection. But one thing this month has taught me is just how much I missed you.” 

Reeling her into his embrace, Reanden buried his face in her hair, taking in the familiar scent that was sweet and earthy, and essentially  _ Mairen _ . He felt the despair lift from his heart, the heavy tendrils finally allowing him to breathe. He hadn’t realized before how much of a bright light she was in his life -- how much he depended on her for friendship, companionship, and  _ trust _ \-- until he tried to get through without her. Whatever they had started as, their relationship had grown tenfold. “Don’t be sorry, Mai,” he whispered, his breath tickling her neck. “Force, I missed you, too...”

Tilting his head, he brushed a gentle kiss to her cheek, then slowly pulled back. It was just enough to cradle her face in his hands as he rested his forehead against hers. “I’m such an idiot for trying to do this by myself again, when I need you.” He hesitated for a beat before whispering the words he’d struggled to say earlier. “I love you, Mairen.”

The ripple of surprise was unmistakable, echoed in the way she tightened her grip on his biceps, as though confirming he was real. She drew back, warmth in her green-hazel eyes as she regarded him. “I love you, too,” she whispered. “But I think you already guessed that.” 

“There’s no accounting for standards, I suppose,” he lowly chuckled as he kissed her forehead. He then smoothed his thumb over her cheekbone, drinking in her closeness like water on a parched Tatooine plain. “I don’t know what I did to have you in my life, but it was worth it.”

“You didn’t have to do anything,” Mairen replied. Her hands slipped from his biceps, arms curling around his waist. A wry grin tugged upward at the corner of her mouth, and he could sense her impish amusement, small sparks of desire forming something of an undercurrent. “Just be your ancient, stubborn self.”

“Ancient?” he echoed. “What happened to just… ‘old’?” His own lips twitched as he attempted to smother a grin. He slipped his fingers into her hair and gently tugged to one side. She sighed as he brushed a kiss against the soft skin just beneath her ear.

At his back, he felt her hands nudging the hem of his shirt above the waistband of his sweatpants. Fingertips danced over his skin and a charge swept over him, blood coursing through him. He nipped at her pulse point in retaliation, gratified when her voice wavered. “Finally admitting it, then?” she teased. 

“That I’m old?” he murmured into her skin. She hummed a response, and he rolled his tongue against the tendon, evoking a soft moan. Arousal surged through their connection, and the clarity with which she echoed him was startling.  _ Force, this was going to be dangerous. _ He allowed a hand to drift over her breast as he drew his arm under hers, coming to rest around her waist. “I think maybe  _ experienced _ might be a better choice…”

“Then maybe,” Mairen murmured, her hands slipping past his waistband, “you should take me to bed and demonstrate your  _ experience _ , Agent Taerich.”

His fingers eased the simple, familiar closure of her robes, silken fabric parting with only a light suggestion. Both offered audible approval as his calloused palm smoothed over the warm, soft skin beneath. His lips tugged at her earlobe. “As you wish… my lord.”

 


End file.
